When
Tim and I had been married for a year and a half, we decided we had had enough
time spent to ourselves and we were ready to expand our family. I had
always wanted to be a mom and I couldn't wait for this next chapter in our
lives.
A
month later, I found out I was pregnant. When I got the positive home pregnancy
test, I just started crying. Yes, I was happy—but I was also shocked, in
disbelief and completely and utterly freaked out. I was going to be a
mom. Tim was going to be a dad. What?! Were we actually ready
for this? I will never forget Tim's face when he walked into the bathroom
where I was standing with the positive pregnancy test. His face said the
same thing that mine did—What in the heck are we going to do?!
Fast
forward nine months. I was a few days past my due date, waddling down my
driveway to get my mail. At the same time, my neighbor across the street
was walking out to get her mail. She's probably about my mom's age,
married with two grown daughters.
"You're
still pregnant?!" she said with a laugh.
"Yes,"
I sighed. "Still pregnant. A few days past my due date
now."
She
was beaming. "You look great!" she said. "I bet
you're so excited."
I
had reached the point in my pregnancy where I was extremely emotional basically
all of the time, and I also couldn't hide my feelings much anymore.
"Actually," I explained, fighting back tears. "I'm
terrified."
She
gave me an empathetic look and said, "Oh, I know how you feel. It's
so scary. It's so daunting. It's so terrifying to think
about! And it's so hard to be a mom. But once you have that baby,
it's going to be the best thing you’ve ever done. And you'll wonder why
you didn't do it sooner."
---
Our
beautiful daughter Lucille June was born on September 28, 2015. I can't
quite describe the intense love I felt for her the moment she was born. She had bright blue eyes and began looking all around right away. Curious and absolutely beautiful from the start. We named her Lucille June. Lucille is a classic name we've always loved, and June is the month we were married. Seeing Lucy was a true manifestation of love at first sight.
I once saw an interview with Mila Kunis
shortly after she became a mom. She said, "I love my husband.
I love my dogs. But man, do I love my baby." It's so
true. The love I felt for Lucy was beyond anything I had ever experienced
before.
We
ended up being in the hospital with Lucy for a full week because she was
"high-risk jaundice." She had to be in the nursery under the
blue lights. I couldn't hold her most of the time. Every morning
for a week, a doctor came into my hospital room and told me, "She can't go
home today. Her levels aren't good enough." It broke my heart
into a million pieces. Eventually, after a few days, I went home without
my baby. I remember thinking, "This isn't supposed to happen.
I'm supposed to go home after 48 hours and she's supposed to be eating well and
sleeping well and then we're all supposed to be reunited at home and
everything's supposed to go perfectly." But God had other plans.
Once
we finally got home when Lucy was eight days old, I remember feeling so happy
that she was here and healthy. I loved her with every fiber of my
being. But man... it was hard.
I was so overwhelmed with no sleep,
trying to figure out breastfeeding and also trying to make sure she was always
fed, bathed, had a clean diaper and always being held so she wouldn’t cry.
I
remember rocking her to sleep one night and thinking, "This is so
hard. It's so much work to be a mom. No one told me it would be
like this. I need to start a blog about what new motherhood is really
like so that people know." Well, two and a half years later, I'm
finally doing it.
--
Now
that Lucy is a little older, I look back and I realize that it was simply a
learning curve and it just took me awhile to adjust.
As
time went on, I fell more and more in love with my little girl. I watched
her roll over, take her first steps, say her first word ("Dada!") and
develop a sassy little attitude that secretly makes me proud.
Now,
at two and a half, Lucy is a smart, independent, loving, confident little
girl. The other day, she looked in the
mirror and said, “Wow, I look stunning!”
I was so proud of her. I said, “Yes
you do, baby girl!”
I
thank God every day for blessing me with this gift. It's the greatest
honor in the world to be her mom.
---
I
often think back to the story about my neighbor as I raise my girls. Her
advice couldn't be more true. Every day as a mom is scary, daunting,
terrifying and hard—but oh so amazing
and such a gift. And I do wonder why I didn't do it sooner.
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